What hurts the most
by christinesangel100
Summary: Kathryn Janeway reflects on her life back on earth, and how she has to hide how she truly feels from everyone she knows. Because it's too late to tell Chakotay how she feels now. Not when he's with Seven. J/C, songfic, post Endgame.


_**A/N: My first songfic! **____** I was in a J/C mood and listening to this song, pretty soon I was inspired. **____** It really fits, in my opinion. Please tell me what you think when you've read it, but please don't flame-you'll only make a fool of yourself. **_

Captain Kathryn Janeway sat in her empty house, alone. There was no one for her to share it with. All of Voyager's crew were about, but most in their own homes. She was living near Starfleet HQ at the moment, and a lot of her old crew were nearby. But they were all busy-most of them had catching up to do, still. But her family were still trying to get there to see her again, face to face. She had friends who would, if they could, be with her, talking to her-all from Voyager, of course. But they were busy. She listened to the sound of the rain outside and smiled. Rain. A little proof that they were home.

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out_

She thought of her friends-and the tears threatened to come. She didn't try to force them back-what was the use? No one was there to see her. And what did it matter if she cried, for once? She was no longer Voyager's captain. She no longer had to be the strong one, trying to get them home despite all the odds. And she'd succeeded-with help from her future self. She hoped she didn't end up like that. The tears still flowing down her face, she took a sip of the coffee beside her, and then a bigger mouthful. _  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me_

When anyone was around, she just had to hide her feelings, hide what she wanted, so much, to let out. She smiled when she saw members of her crew in the street, greeted them warmly, and their family. She acted as if she too, was glad to be home, glad to be seeing her family once again.

Which she was, of course, she'd missed her family a lot, and it was amazing to see them. But now she missed her other home-Voyager. Did all Captain's become this attached to ship's and crews when the mission was over? Hers hadn't exactly been the regulation mission.

And it wasn't just Voyager she missed. She'd seen a lot of the Voyager crew since they'd arrived back on earth, talked to so many of them-but Chakotay hadn't been seen. And neither had Seven.

_  
What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away_

Chakotay. She missed him so much. He'd been her first officer, but he'd been so much more than that-he'd been her closest friend, her most trusted friend. She would trust him with her life. Seven of Nine, she had helped rescue her humanity.

She'd never suspected them both to do this to her. She'd been so close to Chakotay. And then after they'd got home, had the ceremony's-he'd just walked away, as if the years of friendship hadn't even mattered. He hadn't even sent her a message at all. Neither had Seven. No doubt they were too happy together to worry about contacting anyone from Voyager at all.

Then again, she'd never told him how she felt. She'd never been able to tell him how she felt every time she looked at him, the way she felt...complete when he held her hand and smiled, the way his eyes smiled at her, how she'd felt what her older self had told her about his death, and how she'd felt when she'd been told about his wife-Seven of Nine. She'd never told hi m-because of her duty as a starship captain. A Starfleet captain. She had to uphold protocols. And she couldn't get involved with her first officer, no matter how much she wanted too. Besides-would he have felt the same way?

But what would have happened if she'd told him?

She'd never know.

_And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

People knew who she was now, wherever she went. She was Captain-Admiral-Kathryn Janeway, the Captain who'd brought Voyager home.

She'd even met up with Tom and B'elanna, and, of course, Miral, recently. She'd hidden how depressed she felt, how miserable. And the way they acted together-they were in love. How she'd wished it could of been like that with Chakotay. She smiled at Miral's antics, at the stories Tom was telling, but really, she hadn't felt like company. __

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder

Every morning, she woke up, and imagined him in his quarters, right next door to hers, but he was no longer there. Because she was no longer on Voyager. Because he was probably on some planet, having the time of his life with Seven. When she got dressed, she wished she was putting on her Starfleet Captain's uniform, because that would mean he would still be her first officer, and her most trusted friend. _  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken  
_ She wished she could go back to the years on Voyager-go back to the tale of the angry warrior on New Earth, the close moments they'd shared in the past, one of their many dinners together-and admitted it. If only she had Q's powers-she wouldn't care about the Temporal Prime Directive. If she could change it, she would. But she'd left the words unspoken for too long, and his heart belonged to another. Another close friend. She knew it wasn't their fault, that they hadn't realised how she felt, and she could never tell them-but it felt like they'd betrayed her, and every time she was reminded of it, a sharp pain that was almost constant appeared in her chest. _  
What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away _

She thought of all the times she'd come close to telling him the truth-telling him how she felt about him. But she'd always known she couldn't. She'd always hoped that one day, maybe when they returned to earth, she'd be able to tell him. To tell him how much she loved him, how some days she didn't think she could live without him, but how could she have thought he'd stay single? Seven had fallen in love with him, and he returned her feelings. Had he ever returned hers?

_  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do  
_

If she'd told Chakotay, would things have changed? Would he have ignored it, and tried to continue working on Voyager normally, therefore breaking her heart? Or simply tell her he didn't return her feelings, therefore stamping on her heart? Or leaving her, not talking to her, and marrying another, therefore smashing her heart into thousands of pieces and stamping on the shards. _  
What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

She had tried to let him know-in subtle ways. Tried to tell him how she felt, as she never could tell him properly. But he hadn't realised, or if he had, he'd ignored it. She'd given her heart to him, despite him not realising it, despite him not fully accepting the gift. It wasn't a gift you could return anyway, her heart couldn't simply be told that he didn't feel the same way, that it was time to stop loving him as she did...she couldn't tell herself how to feel. __

Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do

All she knew now was that the man she'd trusted most, the man she'd trust with more than her life, She should never have trusted with her heart.

_**A/N: Thank you for reading! Writing this has inspired another J/C....hmmm....**_


End file.
